imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
