dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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