The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
