What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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