Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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