Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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