I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This baby is an asshole
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
