He had one of those small greek statue penises
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize