I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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