Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
