If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.