we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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