Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
