we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
