I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
