Can i not drive my cunt home
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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