my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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