His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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