Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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