$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
