I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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