Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
