Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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