Cold hands, warm shart.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
