i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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