3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.