Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.