What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
