I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
