I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
sarcasm needs its own font
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize