I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR