I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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