literally had 100 drinks last night.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
