broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You pole danced in your parka.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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