I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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