We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
God, I missed his penis.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
