I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
