woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
