If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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