The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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