Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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