Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
