so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
