Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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