how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
