ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
