I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
