So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
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I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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