she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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