I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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