I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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