You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
