So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
