I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
