No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you will always have a special place in my vag
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
